Thinking out loud #amsterdampride #canalpride

Watching AT5 live Canal Pride Amsterdam ...

... and thinking out loud about discrimination, tolerance and acceptance.

Let me introduce myself: I'm straight, single mother, 60 years old, half Indonesian, working full time. From the moment I can remember people (incl my mother) told me, 'act normal', 'dress your age', 'act your age', 'poor Micky Puck' (my daughter), 'you're weird', 'blauwe' (blue one, negative nickname for an Indonesian halfbreed), 'you're a woman with balls', 'you're so strong, don't wine, you can deal with everything', 'you're arrogant', 'why do you have such an attitude?', 'you're a bitch', et cetera et cetera.  All in a negative way. Very annoying (mildly put).

I realize that gay people, the whole lgbtq+ community, have this feeling at least a couple of times a day.

People from other countries often say to me: "oh, you're from Amsterdam. That's cool, such a tolerant city!" ... Sorry??!! Let me explain how the majority of Dutch people think:
- they always have friends who think the same as themselves
- if someone they know are going through a shitty time they walk away
- they don't like / are afraid of foreigners
- they don't like / are afraid of people who think differently
- they don't like / are afraid of gay people

I can go on like this, but I won't. I'm not saying that they're all assholes. There are also nice people who think like this. I guess they believe certain media, they're not using their own brain.

In general, start with yourself if you want to change things. Have your own opinion. Be open minded. I realized this when my daughter was younger. She didn't like it then, but a week ago she gave me a compliment, saying she was happy that I taught her to use her own mind.
And small things, she wasn't allowed to use expressions like 'that's so gay', 'he/she is such a mongol'.
Her teacher at kindergarten once told me: 'Micky has a boyfriend', I told her 'Micky has a friend, I don't want you to use expressions like this about my daugther'. (and yes, I was weird again).
Friends blamed me that I was/am too sensitive about this, it's just fun, an expression, it's not your business. I always replied (and reply), if nobody does anything, nothing will change.

About 'other' people I taught my daughter: When you see someone, unconsciously you put someone in a box, in a box you created in your own head. The difference is what you do next. Most people walk away or get agressive when they, themselves, put someone in a box which has the label 'weird, I don't like'. What you have to do is talk with this person. You will be surprised that often you will put this person in another box.
For me there are two kinds of people: people I like, people I don't like.

I can go on like this but I won't. Hopefully the point I want to make is clear.

If you don't understand this? Start using your own brain instead the opinion of other people, the media. Approach people the way you want to be approached. Be yourself and accept others.

I have questions though. Perhaps someone can tell me why people act differently to my daughter because of me (already when she was very young) and why are people so agressive (or afraid?) of 'other people'.

My name is Sylvana. Am I white?

[Thoughts after reading 'My name is Ahmed. Am I white?' by Ahmed Kabil]

My name is Sylvana, I was born in Amsterdam. My mother was a redhead (father from Germany, mother Amsterdam Jewish) and my biological father was from Indonesia. I'm a 1/2 Indonesian, 1/4 Jewish, 1/4 German dark haired, dark eyed woman with wreckles. And one beam of the sun and I have a sunburn.

me now

My mother divorced when I was 3 years old and when I was about 9 years old she remarried a Dutch man and we moved from Amsterdam to Den Helder (middle-of-nowhere).

wedding day from my mother with the Dutch dude

Probably because I didn't know my biological father I felt Dutch, I think (I'm still a bit confused when people talk about races, gender et cetera. I still have that 'naive' thinking of 'a human being' which is nice or not. There are assholes everywhere).

family of my biological father

family of my biologal father

I remember my first year in Den Helder (a navy, army city in The Netherlands). On my way back home from school I passed a house where always a couple of brothers were playing outside, they were Indonesian. Over and over again I got spit on while they were screaming 'hey Blauwe' (hey Blue one). I didn't understand this. Later I found out that a half-breed like me, half Dutch, half Indonesian, is also discriminated by Indonesian people ... hence 'Blauwe / Blue one'. By the way, the spitting and calling names stopped after one day when I jumped off my bike and got in a fight with them. At that moment I found out that these kind of fights (and I had a couple of them) are not about winning but about acting, about doing something about it.

Hey slit-eye / gook! Hey Blauwe / Blue one!
Are you adopted?
Where are you from? Mongolia? North Africa? Spain? South America? Are you an eskimo?

And the profiling *sigh*, passing customs, enter festivals, big concerts, theme parks ... ... ... They always pick me out of a mass of people. The weird thing was a couple years ago when I went to the States, Florida. I expected hell at customs ... nothing! A friend told me they do facial recognition over there, so I was probably picked out by the scan but they didn't bother me with it. You just go through the whole system and the system says Yes. The moment I came back in Amsterdam, Schiphol, though ... they checked out everything again. They even asked my daughter if she was my daughter.

I'm used to it by now. But reading 'My Name Is Ahmed. Am I white?' and reading the word 'sand nigger' shocked me and made me realize that I'm a coward. I'm 'used to it'. I'm used to something that isn't okay. I have to do something. Protest when it happens again. Have discussions. Let it escalate. If not for me, than for everybody else, but also for my daughter.

When she was born I went with my ex to his parents in the South of the Netherlands. My daughter was still a baby, the weather was beautiful and she was lying on a blanket in the garden. The neighbours looked at her, than looked at me and said: "You can see that she's not 100% Dutch". I had to laugh, but it's ridiculous.

my daughter as a baby

After my divorce I lived for a while in Amstelveen, Westwijk. Suburbia. The first evening I was in that house, one of the neighbours came by to say hello. The first thing she said was: "You're the second single mother who lives here", followed by: "How could you have paid for this house? Oh, I know, of course, alimoney". (To make it a bit clear: I never got alimoney, nor for me, nor for my daughter).

A couple of days later another neighbour came running out of his home while I was passing to go to the supermarket with my daughter and while a good friend of mine was working in the small garden in front of the house. This was so pathetic, I really pitied the guy. He wanted to get acquainted: "Hi, I'm ... ..., so you're the tinted single mother who's living at #4 now? I'm so sorry to hear, I'm so sorry for your daughter. Is that man working in your front garden your new boyfriend?".

I rest my case. I didn't know if I had to get angry, if I had to start crying or just roll over laughing. I did the last thing.

As a woman, I'm never beautiful or pretty. I'm intriguing or mysterious (or weird, or a bitch). To be honest, I don't know if that only has to do with the way I look. Perhaps also because of who I am.

How I'm going to deal with this now? It's easy to just ignore it. But is that the right thing to do?

Anyway ... I'm Sylvana Knaap. Period.

What happened today?!

Yesss, I got my promotion

Embed from Getty Images

... and a pay raise

Embed from Getty Images

Well done Sylvana. Applause!

Trip down memory lane

Since a couple of months the office I work at moved to WeWork Metropool, Weesperstraat, Amsterdam. It's around the corner from where I grew up. Last week I walked around a bit during my kindof late lunch break to see if it changed a lot. It did ofcourse. But I still recognized the hood.

De Nieuwe Prinsengracht, I started on the Roeterstraat looking towards the Weesperstraat. On the left side the houses, on the right side the 'old men's home'. I don't know if this was the official name at that time but that's the name people gave it. An old people's home with only grumpy old men.

The Roeterstraat - Nieuwe Prinsengracht. When I was standing here I remembered me on my bicycle waiting till the tram would approach and crossing the road, right before the tram. It always would ring its bell like crazy. Very dangerous, because the road wasn't straight and there is a bridge. I remember my mother standing on the corner with an apron on and curlers in her hair not making a sound, only pointing in the direction of our home. She was so angry with me.

This is the corner from the Roeterstraat and The Nieuwe Prinsengracht. For ages, till I think a couple of years ago there was a night shop. Now a Bagels & Beans (also nice).

And here it is (I think), 2nd floor. I lived there from 0 till almost 9. 2/3 rooms and a kitchen, no shower at that time. And as you can see a french balcony or balconet. Everything very small.

And this was the view on the other side of the canal, the 'old men's home' full of scary grumpy old men. They were often walking in the hood and screaming at you, and waving with their walking sticks, when you passed them very fast.

A small side road. Where the new buildings are was the entrance of my school, dr. E. Boekmanschool. The entrance now is on the Roeterstraat.

My small trip down memory lane. It was fun to see, especially that it all changed but not a lot.

Spoiled fortune cookies

I had the flu. Recuperating from it I wanted to do something useful. So what did I do? Clean out my kitchen. Got everything out of the cupboards and drawers. And what did I find? A box of fortune cookies, out of date. I couldn't resist and opened a couple of them. This is my fortune:

'Your empathy enchants'
'You will experience good luck on a personal level'
'Blow off steam. Don't bottle up anger'
'Fine, you are open to new things'
'Remain patient around people with parochialism'
'It will give you many benefits when you expand your social environment'

So ... to get good luck on a personal level and because I'm open to new things and I'm empathetical I have to expand my social environment.Thus ... I have to blow off steam when around parochialic people.

Mm.

I'm Back ... ...

I hope you missed me, I guess not, but it's nice to think you missed me. I always feel weird 'sharing' stuff, sometimes even personal, and not knowing who 'you' are. Long live the interwebs! Come to think of it, that's probably why our relationship is so good, we don't know each other. It makes everything simple. If you don't like me ... with one click I'm out of your life. If you like me ... uhm ... well whatever.

Lots of things happened. Busy busy busy busy. Busyness is always a good excuse. I have a job again, I still have a daughter who is 18 years old now, and I have a home again, a very nice one. And I still love being back in Amsterdam instead of Amstelfuckingveen. In fact it's the same as this blog, I can be invisible in Amsterdam.

And have I got news for you. I'm planning to post some of my brainwaves. I'm curious what's going to happen. As you know I mainly reposted posts. A very important job I know, someone has to do it! Even with reposting posts people are kicking me off their 'friends list'. Can you imagine what's going to happen when I post my thoughts. And man, you won't believe some of them.

It's January 1st, 2017. I don't believe in 'new beginnings', it is as it is, it's just a date. I'm bad with dates, distances, but at least this date I can remember. But wait, why do I have to remember this date? See!! Brainwave. I better stop now and surf the internet.

I'm back!

Just Thinking ...

I was on an event yesterday 'Bladen In De Balie' (Magazines in De Balie) in Amsterdam. The future of magazines. Content - Context. Ofcourse a GoogleGlass talk. A talk by a publisher who said that every printed title has something that works, it can be an event, a website, an app, GoogleGlass et cetera. Nice. And a talk by the publishers of a specialized dutch car magazine.

Suddenly it hits me. Probably not original, but I couldn't get it out of my head.

1. Remember in the 'past' you would buy for example a magazine about history, gossip, gadgets, fashion. You bought a title. Fashion ---> Elle. But now with the 'pay per article', websites, blogs, you buy / read an article from a journalist, writer. The person is getting more important nowadays.

2. Why do we still need a car showroom? Last week I saw a pop-up store and I was thinking why don't they get rid of car showrooms and use pop-up stores? Yesterday I listened to the research they did, the facts, the statistics. Roughly put. 99% of the time people spend looking for a new (used) car is checking internet, finally 1%: car dealer. The dutch magazine Autoweek is going to organize an event with all car brands. 3 days, you buy a ticket online and if you're interested in a certain car you can reserve a time to test the specific car. Drive it. Very good idea. Bye bye very costly showrooms.

Ah well, as I said ... just thinking ...

... Talking About Dr Iso ...

I don't know the name of this one. But I think it's even better looking, cute! Made by a friend of mine. Good job! Very sustainable, a recycled toy camera.

Move Tha Crib

Yep ... made the decision. Real estate guy came to visit this morning. I'm going back to Amsterdam!

A bit like this, but less dramatic. Lucifer with House For Sale. Watch the drummer, the Dutch celebrity Henny Huisman.

Unreal

Photo shoot by Bianca Stremmelaar (thanks bff). Unreal. Surreal. Beautiful.

Baby Talking Your Cat

After 2 months I'm so happy. My cat Cookie, the wild one, was in a fight 2 months ago, had a terrible wound on the side. After a couple of days the wound got worse, so I wanted to take him to the vet. I found out it's not possible with a half wilde cat, he bit and scratched me and escaped. In the evening a friend told me to call the doctor and the doctor told me to come over to the hospital NOW!!!!! Tetanus injection, swollen hand, inflamed et cetera.

Cookie did better though, till 2 weeks later, wound got worse, back was swollen. Every day I tried to get him into the bench (one of the benches he totally ruined while escaping)

Cat in stress, me in stress. A couple of days later everything seemed okay again. Ofcourse I had a hotline with the vet.

Till last weekend, Cookie stayed in the house, didn't eat much, I couldn't approach him. This needed planning. Yesterday evening he ran out of the house, after I decided to get him in the bench and go to the doctor today. This morning he wasn't in, I totally freaked out. Ran in the neighbourhood calling him, baby talking him. Finally after my daughter came home (lessons got canceled at her school fortunately), he came home.

After talking over the tactics, the second time we tried, we had him. He was so angry, growling, hissing. Went to the vet where he got an anti biotics boost and a heavy pain killer, both injections because you definitely cannot feed him pills.

Want to see how I was walking around my neighbourhood? Watch the video. He never liked to be petted, but oh how he loves it when I baby talk him.

Please Stop Complaining

If you think about it ... everything is so simpel:

If you don't like someone / something - ignore him / her / it
If you feel offended by someone / something - ignore him / her / it
If you're not happy - change something
If you don't like a television program - switch tv off
If you don't like an email - delete it (that's where the trashbin is for)
If you don't like your life - change it
If you don't like a website - close the tab

Nobody can please everyone (fortunately) but for god's sake, get your ass off that couch and do something instead of complaining and blaming everyone, everything. The only one to blame is yourself.

Image: Glow Images Westend61 RF RF image JMF000072

Weird Week II - Last Day At Getty

July 22nd, Friday. My last working day at Getty.
Contradictionary emotions. Happy with the new challenge from August 1st. Sad to leave my collegues, very sad. I got presents and Mojito's. I don't want to say goodbye and I'm not going to say goodbye. The fun thing about it? Now I can meet them after work. When you work with people the whole day you almost never see eachother after work. Now I can :). So ... Oscar ... organize this bbq in my garden! As long as you do the bbq.

Weird Week I - Day Without Luck

Wednesday the 20th Of July.
In the morning I jumped on my moped to go to work. Detour in the old city of Amstelveen. Followed it ... mistake. Arrived on a road in the Amsterdamse Bos that I didn't know. Followed it. Arrived in Amsterdam near an area in the Amsterdam Forest I know very well. Blocked ... fucking world cup rowing under 23. The guard over there told me I had to go back to Amstelveen. No way!!!! I took a small road into the forest and finally arrived on a spot I know. After taking a lot of small forest roads where only pedestrians are allowed. Shame!

During lunchbreak I wanted to go to the nearest shopping center. On my way to my moped I had a telephone call. During the telephone call I walked to the moped ... Mistake! After the telephone call I started the moped and drove away ... I only forgot one thing, to take the lock off the back wheel. Stuck!

Again I had to be saved by the moped repair shop. At right this moment I'm waiting for a call of them, Debo Scooters, to tell me I can pick the moped up again.

Some days!!!!!!!

Proud Mother